a woman at the beach staring off to the horizon

Happiness is the Only Choice

Life moves quickly and painfully slowly.  I am nearing the end of summer and will soon have two children off at college; I am impatiently waiting to sell the house I am in and buy a smaller house of my very own.

In 20 days I will be divorced.

I think, most of the time, that I am happy about this.  After 22 years of marriage, I am looking forward to a new beginning.  Divorce wasn’t my idea but I’ve decided to embrace it.  I was terrified to start this path back in October but I also realized, faster than I cared to admit, that this was a blessing. I wouldn’t have left no matter how sad I was because I didn’t think I could survive on my own.

It is strange to write down those words.

I have survived on my own for 10 months.  I have survived and, sometimes, I’ve even thrived. I am still grieving the loss of what I wanted but realizing that wasn’t what I was ever going to have.  So I chose to be happy.  I cry and rage as much in private as I can (I do have two kids dealing with this in their own way). But I also get up each day one step closer to my own life.

I want my children to see that you can choose happiness and create a life that gives you that happiness.  I hate to think that for the majority of their lives, they haven’t seen me truly happy.  I don’t want them to settle for less than they deserve the way that I did for too long. So I pray every day for their happiness.

I have no hatred in my heart. I don’t want to live with the burden.

Happiness is my choice.

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